How to speak Essex

This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that venture to darkest Essex.

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total - "Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend"

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost - "That awssya tipped cost me a fiver t'day"

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion - "Ere, Trace, ya look brannatoday, ave you been on sunbed?"

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy - "Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bitDan in the maff"

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired - Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper"

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy - "I feel all lafarjik"

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover - "I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig"

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is - "Webbatsis me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour"

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is - "I told ya a fazzand times already"

from uk.rec.humour