George Carlin on stupidity

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

From http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:George_Carlin

Deaver on outrunning a bear

"You know how fast you have to be to outrun a bear, Corte?"

"How fast?"

"Just a little faster than the guy with you."

From Edge, by Jeffery Deaver

Before you criticize someone ...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey (American Comic Writer) 
 

From http://thinkexist.com/quotation/before_you_criticize_someone-you_should_walk_a/327851.html

Weasel word

A weasel word (also, anonymous authority) is an informal term for equivocating words and phrases aimed at creating an impression that something specific and meaningful has been said, when in fact only a vague or ambiguous claim has been communicated.
For example, an advertisement may use a weasel phrase such as "up to 50% off on all products".
See more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weasel_word

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel. “
Homer Simpson
From http://www.quotedb.com/quotes/174

Dually noted

I emailed someone today about two topics.

She responded, "Dually noted."

I'll never know if she was demonstrating her ignorance or her wit.

from Google Groups

Ways to Annoy People At An Amusement Park

Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.

Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money.

Find someone to tell your life story to.

Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer."

See more ways to annoy people at http://www.bored.com/getannoyed/

Mondegreens

Mondegreens are a sort of aural malapropism. Instead of saying the wrong word, you hear the wrong word.

The word mondegreen is generally used for misheard song lyrics, although technically it can apply to any speech.

 

"Excuse me while I kiss this guy."
   "Excuse me while I kiss the sky."
   Purple Haze, Jimi Hendrix

 

"The girl with colitis goes by."
   "The girl with kaleidoscope eyes."
   Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, The Beatles

 

"Are you going to starve an old friend?"
   "Are you going to Scarborough Fair?"
   Scarborough Fair, Simon and Garfunkel

 

See full list at http://www.fun-with-words.com/mala_mondegreens.html

A cruise ain't all plain sailing

(This lot was printed in the Echo on 1 April, but on the next day it was claimed to be genuine.)

COMPLAINTS by cruise ship passengers include one by a woman who moaned about the sea being "too loud", it has been revealed.

And a couple accused a captain of being "rude" for sailing off when they had left a note saying they needed more sightseeing time in port, according to cruise travel agency ####. co. uk.

One woman, having seen that Take That star Gary Barlow had been on her ship on an earlier trip, demanded an explanation as to why the singer was not on her voyage.

Then there was the man who complained about not getting "an impressive tan" and being unable to swim in the pool each day while on a trip around ... Alaska.

A woman travelling with Celebrity Cruises asked for a refund as there were "no celebrities on board", while a Yorkshire couple wanted compensation after forking out "a lot more money than planned" on staff tips due to the excellent service.

The woman who complained about the loudness of the sea said she had not been able to sleep well on her Mediterranean cruise. She demanded cabins be "better soundproofed against the sounds of the sea".

Another female traveller, having booked an inside cabin, then complained about not having a view of the sea and asked for a window to be installed.

####. co. uk cruise development manager Steph Curtin said: "From time to time we come across a few quirky complaints that we can do little to help. "I'm afraid we can't be held responsible for the sea being too loud or the lack of celebrities on board."

From uk.rec.humour

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

from http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BritsCom/message/9341

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

from uk.rec.humour

"I am, therefore I think"

Is this putting Descartes before de horse?

from uk.rec.humour

Children react to sex education

Column 8 in the Sydney Morning Herald (yes, once again) has been printing some readers' anecdotes of what their young children said after they came back from school on the day they were told the facts  about sexual intercourse. Readers' accounts in Col. 8 are nearly always pretty funny, but with this theme, there were no less than three accounts provided which I thought funny enough to warrant a space here. I paraphrase some details:

Story 1.
8 year old girl comes home after "birds and bees" lesson. "Mum", she says seriously, looking her right in the eyes, "The family line stops right here."

Story 2.
Girl comes home as above. With her four year old brother nearby, she confronts her parents: "I'm not speaking to either of you. You did it TWICE!"

Story 3.
As above. Girl muses: "I can see my parents doing something like that. But not the Queen, not her…"

from alt.usage.english

The idiots amongst us

IDIOT SIGHTING No. 1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in MoorPark , near Watford .

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 3

I live in a semi-rural area We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at LutonAirport

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

(And she's NOT blonde)

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

 

From Robin B at alt. usage. english

British Food

Good food is served in London and at least a dozen other places in Britain. That is, unless you prefer Indian food, which you can get on every street corner. English breakfast is egg and bacon. Lunch is a packet of crisps and a soft drink. Dinner is unspecified meat, boiled a few hours, with boiled cabbage without herbs or spices. A tasteless, brown goo-like substance called gravy covers up any trace of taste accidentally left in the meat. It doesn't matter what sort of meat was used to begin with, because it all tastes the same when the dinner is ready. Note that the difference between sauce and gravy is that sauce has a taste, while gravy simply covers the food in an unspecified, brown substance.

See full article at http://skovgaard.org/europe/britain.htm

Church Bulletins

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

from uk. rec. humour

British Imperial Measures

Imperial measures are still being used in Britain, even though there's no empire any more. European legislation is slicing the official use of these awkward measures away bit by bit, but speed and distance are still measured in miles and beer in pints. A road sign saying "Wickhill 1m" doesn't mean that you'll find Wickhill 1 metre ahead of you, but 1 mile. Angry readers have complained to newspapers for years about the ongoing conversion to the more practical metric system. The official use of the Imperial measures may go away, but try changing it in the heads of the British.

Obviously, if Imperial measures were to disappear completely, daily language might suffer a bit. Instead of saying "the cat was inching its way across the lawn", one would have to say "the cat was centimetering its way across the lawn", which sounds a bit awkward. Also, "yardstick" would have to be "metrestick", you'd have to order 568 millilitres of beer instead of a pint at the pub, and airmiles would become air1.6kilometres. Car mileage would become 1.6kilometreage and a milestone a 1.6kilometrestone. The English language might end up taking up as much space as French, so many Britons might wonder if the metrification is just another French plot meant to reduce British competitiveness.

The real problem that the British have with the metric system is that it was invented by the French and so by definition must be suspicious. While trying to figure out where the catch is, the British prefer playing it safe and stick with their Imperial measures that have served the Empire so well for centuries.

See full article at http://skovgaard.org/europe/britain.htm

The most terrifying ultimatum a working man can get ...

No, not withdrawal of my conjugal rights.

It was far worse than that, “Breakfast or Beer”; your choice…one or the other!

See full article at http://www.buildingsheriff.com/blog.php/2011/08/the-caff/

The wrong kind of leaves?

Railtrack, who are responsible for the tracks, stations and platforms, said leaves have been "bigger and juicier" this autumn, which has led to longer delays to services. The company said the problem had been particularly bad in the Midlands and they issued a joint apology with Central Trains. A Railtrack spokeswoman said, "There were 30% to 40% more leaves on trees this season and they were 20% bigger and juicier, which caused delays on tracks." The company is also trialling a new anti-leaf train and has promised to buy 25 of the vehicles if the tests are successful.

Some of the excuses that have been used include:

• Leaves on the line.
• The wrong type of snow.
• It rained hard for three months.
• A broken down Virgin ahead.
• The sun reflecting off the rails.
• An increase in vandalism.
• An increase in track and station repairs.
• There are too many people on trains.

Rail bosses have come up with a slick solution to their leaves on the line problem, hair gel. A special mix of gel and grit is being sprayed on tracks to keep trains running smoothly. Anglia Railways said after blasting leaves off lines with powerful water jets they were now using the gel coating to give extra traction. The only trouble is that rain washes the gel away. It seems that at every turn British Rail are thwarted by freaks of nature!

Copied from http://www.derbygripe.co.uk/trains.htm

The Anti-Phonetic Alphabet

Long has the phonetic alphabet enjoyed dominance over the ‘can you spell that for me’ market! Well, no more! The following is my suggestion to make telephone operators lives complete hell…! If you’re not paying for the bill and you don’t fancy being nice to the operator on the phone for whatever reason, then consider making the conversation very complicated and interesting with the new Anti-Phonetic alphabet.

• Aubergine
• Bdellium
• Cygnet
• Djinn
• Ewe
• Fort
• Gnome
• Honour
• Igor
• Jalapeno
• Knot

See full list and article at http://amadiere.com/blog/2010/10/non-phonetic-alphabet/

Two nuns

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when Count Dracula suddenly jumps on their car.

"Quick, show him your cross!" says one of the nuns.

The other nun shouts "Hey Dracula! F*#k off.