Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked pathway. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Could you please send someone to mend our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.