Sunday, 16 December 2007

What's the best way to kill a vampire?

Dear Cecil:

I have a question to which I need an immediate reply, which I hope you publish, as others on the community may feel the need to know this information. Please list in order the most preferred ways to kill a vampire. --J. Pasquale, Baltimore

Dear J.:

I'll admit I've heard some horror stories about crime in Baltimore, J., but vampires--land o' Goshen, honey, things are really getting out of hand. Grab your pencil.

To kill a vampire it is first necessary to determine its ethnic origin. I regret that I cannot offer much useful information on how this might be accomplished, but I'm sure you'll think of something.

Next, locate the vampire's daytime whereabouts, i. e., its grave. My vampire manual recommends placing "a young lad who is innocent of girls," such as Richard Simmons, atop a black virgin stallion, and leading the two through a likely graveyard. If the horse refuses to pass a certain grave, you've hit paydirt, so to speak. The telltale signs of a vampirous corpse are fluidity of the blood, lack of putrefaction, and flexibility of the limbs (we're talking about corpses now, mind you).

Finally, administer treatment as prescribed below:


  • Sampiro - Albania - Stake through heart

  • Nachtzehrer - Bavaria - Place coin in mouth, decapitate with ax

  • Ogoljen - Bohemia - Bury at crossroads

  • Krvoijac - Bulgaria - Chain to grave with wild roses

  • Kathakano - Crete - Boil head in vinegar

  • Brukalaco - Greece - Cut off and burn head

  • Vampir - Hungary - Stake through heart, nail through temples

  • Dearg-dul - Ireland - Pile stones on grave

  • Vryolakas - Macedonia - Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel

  • Upier - Poland - Bury face downwards

  • Gierach - Prussia - Put poppy seeds in grave

  • Strigoiul - Rumania - Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head

  • Vlkoslak - Serbia - Cut off toes, drive nail through neck

  • Neuntoter - Saxony - Lemon in mouth

  • Vampiro - Spain - No known remedy

I realize the above will not be much use in the case of a Third World vampire, but you can't have everything. Incidentally, we'll have none of this "preferred ways" business. There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Take some pride in your work.

from [the Straight Dope]

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