Friday, 18 January 2008

How to Kill a Vampire

The problem with vampires is these pesky bloodsuckers tend to hang around forever, if only in our imaginations.


  1. Look for a hole above a grave. Sometimes vampires have to dig their way out.

  2. Scatter salt on the floor in the vampire's latest victim's room. Help the vampire lead you right to his or her tomb.

  3. Use garlic, hawthorn branches, or a cross to trap your vampire in a corner. Protect yourself from revenge by making a cross of tar on your front door.

  4. Dig the vampire up on a Friday. According to the early Greeks, that's when a vampire is weakest. Take advantage of the day when vampires can't come out to play.

  5. Pound iron stakes through his coffin and straight into the ground if you catch him at rest.

  6. Bury his body under running water - vampires can't stand it.

  7. Fire a silver bullet blessed by a priest into his heart.

  8. Drive an aspen, ash or white thorn stake through his heart with a single blow if you want to make a lasting impression.

  9. Pour boiling water, boiling oil or holy water into his grave.

  10. Cremate his body or make a paste from his flesh for closure. Then sit down and feast on the beast.


Remember that a vampire in a coffin always appears to be dead already. Examine the body closely and you'll see that the vampire is only breathing slightly, or perhaps not breathing at all.

Brace yourself for plenty of loud screaming and wailing. Wear old clothes or a raincoat, because there's always lots of blood.

Turn your vampire over in his or her grave if you forget your wooden stake. Make sure the vampire digs the wrong way if he or she tries to escape while you're running home to fetch the stake.


The undead tend to have extremely bad breath.

Vampires sleep with their eyes open, so you'd better be quick.

Russians used to think that a vampire's teeth were made of steel, making it possible to chomp through the coffin. Keep your hands and feet away from the vampire's mouth.

Don't forget:

Dracula and his ilk don't cast shadows, nor do they have reflections. Plus, they can change into bats or foggy mist instantaneously.

Understand that you must succeed on your first attempt at terminating your vampire. Failure to do so could mean immortality for your victim.


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