My fellow Americans, our country faces a deadly threat and we must prepare ourselves to meet this threat.
To minimise the spread of Swine flu, please buy at least 2 weeks worth of provisions and store them in your home. Buy canned food, bottled water, flash light batteries and also panic buy as much duck tape as you can possibly lay your hands on.
If you don’t already have a secret nuclear bunker in your back yard located under the swimming pool, now might be a good time to consider having one installed. I also urge you to panic buy as much gasoline as possible. Keep you car task full, so you can evacuate the area at a moments notice. Please also keep an emergency supply of gasoline in a 50 gallon drum in the basement of your home.
Use the duck tape to seal the doors and windows of your house (assuming you don’t have a secret nuclear bunker) This will help to stop germs from entering your home.
Listen to the radio and keep the supply of extra flash light batteries near it. Wait for the all clear to be broadcast and stay inside until it is.
Under no circumstances should you go outside or start to riot. Please do not use the 50 gallon drum of gasoline to make Molotov cocktails. You should not attempt to purify your neighbourhood by burning down the houses of suspected swine flu victims.
Thank you for cooperation.
US Government Plague Control Committee